Thursday, June 28, 2012
Things I'm Afraid to Tell You
Once upon a time, Jess Constable got sick of the picture-perfect lives that people online look like we lead. Often we don't set out to paint ourselves as ideal or perfect; we just don't share the messy or uncomfortable, so an imbalanced picture is created in peoples' minds. This just leads to everybody feeling like they're failures - at home, in their relationships, in their writing or art, at work. So she decided to open her heart and share the things she was afraid to tell her readers.
Naturally, other bloggers related to the frustration with the picture-perfect life found online. So Ez decided to start a movement... and now, bloggers everywhere have shared/are sharing the things we're afraid to tell the world.
I cannot sew to save my life. I know how to sew. I have made pillows and mended stuff and taken a sewing unit in Home Ec. But every time I see an online DIY tutorial that involves pinning or patterns or a sewing machine, I just click the little 'x' and wonder why I'm such a failure in this domain of womanhood.
I can't cook, either. I love to bake. I can follow a recipe. I can make anything from a box or can. But I don't know the terms or tools of cooking, and I never ever alter a recipe, because I'm guaranteed to ruin it. I have no recipes of my own. And this also makes me feel like a homemaking failure.
I don't talk about God much. You know those Christians who are always witnessing, or the ones that will make a little mention of God in everyday conversation, and you can just tell they've at least had some church influence in their lives? That's definitely not me. I'll talk about God and the Bible at church, and during my Christian-homeschool-curriculum assignments, and during soul-winning, and when somebody else brings Him up. But I don't start those conversations. And I feel like a terrible Christian for that.
I've never done a load of laundry without Mom telling me exactly what settings to use, and even then, I can count those loads on one hand. This goes back to being a failure as a homemaker.
I struggle not to hate certain famous or infamous people, while at the same time I get angry with people who hate gays or other generalized groups of sinners. An old pastor of mine once said, "Love the sinner, hate the sin." I want to do that. But I have to fight my hatred of corrupt celebrities like Lady Gaga or terrible people like abortion doctors or fake Christians like Westboro Baptist Church.
I don't like reading classics, generally. I'm a bookworm. I get higher test scores than the average girl my age. I'm a writer. I watch movies obsessively, and I love Emma and Much Ado About Nothing, among others. So I should love reading the classics behind the movies, right? Wrong. Of all the classics I've read, the only ones I really enjoyed were Pride and Prejudice and Jane Eyre; even those two had 'boring parts' I had to force myself through. All this put together can make me feel like I'm less than or below other girls, who can easily read and love Shakespeare or Dickens.
I'm sometimes jealous of my best friends. One has relatives that are super rich. The other has two working parents. Therefore, they own or do things that I don't. Everything I know about these girls makes me certain that jealousy of them is never logical. And most of the time, I don't feel this way. But the envy creeps up on me sometimes, and it's so illogical that it makes me feel like a stupid green-eyed monster.
The news drives me crazy. When it's on television in the doctor's office or a newspaper is sitting on the kitchen table, I get sucked it and eat it up. I love reading/watching the news, whether it's online, in the paper, or on television. But then I get so depressed or mad about all the crazy, negative stuff that's happening. I love to know but I hate all the evil and sadness in the world.
I wish I could go back in time and erase the feminist movement. I wish this at least once daily. Please don't hate me, fellow females. I know there are good things - great things - the feminist movement did for us. But I also feel like they destroyed a sacred and special part of womanhood that God Himself bestowed to us, and that makes me sad. I can't even put that something they destroyed into words, but everyone feels its loss in general culture and politics, whether or not they recognize it.