Wednesday, March 4, 2015

From My Journal: November 13

On My Bisexuality: 11/13/2014

Why is it wrong?

Why is something simultaneously so pure and so passionate wrong? Why is it that what I feel so deeply and personally and sincerely is violation of an ancient law by which I am supposed to live my life? Who says this is wrong?

Well, God says.



But God says divorce is wrong and adultery is wrong and backtalk is wrong and beef is wrong and why do we say all sins are equal but act like they're so different? Why do we eat steak and go out in public on our periods and let those who cheat live and let those who divorce remarry?

Why is this wrong?

They say grace. They say New Testament. They say Jesus and grace and mercy and forgiveness and yet they also say fag and gross and sick and unhealthy and unnatural and why aren't you normal and aren't you strange and funny ha haha look at Adam and Steve and they will destroy our nation and WHY DO YOU SAY LOVE BUT SAY MY LOVE IS WRONG.

And I'm sure she doesn't love me back, not like this but I wish I could tell her and be let down like a boy, not tell her and be shivered and shuddered and shut out.

Why is it she makes me feel things like I did for my boyfriend and feel things better farther more than that and with him it's new sweet fresh exciting and what's your future plans and will you guys get married but with her -- my her now or any her ever -- it's fear gross sick ew wrong and when did this start? and why did this happen? and do you think this is right? and what's wrong with you?

Like I'm sick.

Like I have some DISEASE.

But it's worse. It's worse than pneumonia or blood loss or cancer because it's "twisted" and "depraved" and it's a part of "human nature" not even a side effect of the "Fallen nature" and most of all

IT'S
A
CHOICE.

Well screw you because I want more than anything to
CHOOSE
this away and
TURN
IT
FLIPPING
OFF!

but I love her.

and I know you and God and Westboro and freaking Africa say it's wrong and maybe you're right, maybe you're all right, but
I
philos
eros
agape
love
HER
and I won't pretend or hide and I can't turn it off and I wish you all would freaking face reality and let me in but all you do is judge and all I have is panic and FEAR. and I love her. but I hate it.

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