Wednesday, March 11, 2015

From My Journal: November 19

To readers who know me or my family personally: I understand this series is personal and controversial in nature. I'd like to kindly request that any questions, concerns, or private comments be made directly to me rather than my family members. Thank you!

On God: 11/19/2014

"The big You is in love with the little me... and I don't know what to do with that."



This is what I thought in chapel this morning. We sang a new worship song. I don't know what it's called, but the part where God is responding to the speaker ends with "I am in love with you" -- and the speaker later says "I am in love with You," but not until after God says it first. Words mean stuff to me, being a writer. The distinction between "I love you" and "I'm in love with you" -- used so much today with such emphasis, plus I've heard the former so much growing up but never the latter, from God or a boy or anybody -- it just sort of stuck out. It seemed important. And in Washed and Waiting, [book on Christianity and homosexuality I'm reading] the writer, Wesley, talks about how his struggle couldn't be fought until he began to feel and experience God's love for him personally like his friend Tara did. I'm a bit farther than Wesley [in my background with God's love] but my personal and emotional realization of God's love and being "The Beloved" is sketchy and scattered. I don't carry it with me during the day or even the week -- just get odd glimpses here and there. I relate to Wesley's feeling cold or logical with God's love.

On Bisexuality: 11/19/2014

My bisexuality is a part of me, but not in the way my strong legs or kind heart are. It's a part of me like poor eyesight or TMJD [jaw disorder]. I may or may not ever get rid of it, but the point is just because it's a part of me doesn't mean I have to like it or that it's good. And just because something "bad" or undesirable is part of me doesn't mean it defines me or I should be ashamed or keep it secret.

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