Wednesday, March 18, 2015

From My Journal: November 24, December 8

On Friends: 11/24/2014

Tonight I shared yesterday's entry [read it here] with my small group and Jordy prayed over me. Then when we came back to the dorm from Payne's [local restaurant] Morgan prayed over me. And then Rachel and I talked for a long time...

I told her I am bi, and I told her about the girls I've liked. She was so supportive. She hasn't had these same homosexual feelings but she was so supportive. She said I'm not gross or creepy and stuff like that and she said she's not weirded out and she doesn't think of me differently and we're still the exact same friends.



She's not afraid I'll get a crush on her. She said that. She said I might and we'd work through it if I did but that's OK.

She's never been attracted to a woman before and yet she understands me and my feelings and my fears and she doesn't just accept me but she refuses to let this knowledge change me in her mind or her behavior or us. Even after I read her some of my journal entries she said I'm not gross and I'm her friend and she supports my fight. She said God must be so proud of me for not acting on my wants and not giving up my faith when the church responds so terribly to this.

I didn't tell her what I was thinking. I almost did give up. I wanted to give up. Give in. I thought about it. I almost did.

But she's right. I didn't.

- - -

Rachel says my writing is powerful. Jordy says I am loved by and belong on the wing. Katie says she relates to my friend lies. Heather says she gets jealous of my worship sometimes. God says I'm worth just as much as an upperclassman with a boyfriend and her life together.

I am not alone and I am not shunned and I belong here on this earth surrounded by this love.

This Thanksgiving I'll be most thankful that right this moment, I am ALIVE.

12/8/2014

[After a difficult phone call] And then all my other fears and insecurities and shames and not-enoughs came crashing down on me. And Elyse [my roommate] was there, sitting next to me and hugging me as it all came pouring out in a desperately overdue cry. And I told her about everything -- my fears and pains and darkness, my depression and suicide and bisexuality and insecurity in my body and insecurity in my friendships and insecurity in my writing. I said things I haven't even written completely in here. I voiced frustrations of bisexuality and insecurities of not living up to expectations and the little things that make up terror of coming out.

And all she said is that nothing changes in here, in our room. What happens here, stays here, like Vegas. That she can't imagine her college life without me.

And then we watched my favorite movie, Havana Nights, under the same blanket and called it a night.

I felt all the not-pretty insecurities washing over me again Saturday night as I wore a borrowed dress shorter than usual to the Christmas banquet. Everyone told me I looked pretty. Kelsey especially. She first saw me in the dress and had that taken aback "whoa" moment I've always wanted. She said I had to wear it. She said I had great legs.

The irony. [I've always hated my short, thick legs.]

I could feel the envy coming off her in waves that night as I eyed her hair and Annie's skin and Danielle's makeup and fidgeted in my borrowed black dress. But emotionally I couldn't accept it, couldn't believe it.

Because friends' words are helpful in fighting depression, but self-acceptance is vital to defeating it.

So today I spent a lot of time finding strong/brave/feminist/body-positive thoughts on Pinterest. [See the board here.] I feel happy in my own body again.

Took me long enough.

- - -

I keep going back to Elyse's words. She said all my not-enough fears were hers, too -- she, the airy queen of class -- but I was better and braver for voicing them.

I will never cease to be amazed by the people surrounding me.

4 comments:

  1. Emily, you continue to amaze me. Your writing is so clean and easy to read, and I think you are an incredibly strong person with a good head on your shoulders. It really makes my day when one of your posts pops up in my inbox, and this journal series is outstanding and takes so much guts. Just wanted to let you know I admire you as a blogger and as a person!

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    1. Hello! Thank you so much for commenting :) This series is definitely the most personal and difficult I've done on the blog thus far. I really appreciate hearing from readers who are enjoying it!

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  2. This is an amazing series. You're a truly brave young woman and a brilliant writer.
    I'm not bi, but I totally relate to body image issues. All the people in the world can tell you that you're beautiful, but until you can look in the mirror and /see it for yourself/, their words don't change a thing. I'm really happy for you, though, that you were able to take that step and feel happy in your own skin :D


    Alexa
    thessalexa.blogspot.com

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  3. Goodness, girl, God has to love you something awful fierce to give you this kind of courage. I can't relate to everything you've talked about, but I think the anxiety really reminds me of my own fears, whatever they may be. Some days it's about sex, others about body image, other days just the regular stresses of life. And it can be crazy, and it can hurt. But, I think the best thing is that we have great communities and a greater God to pull us through, every time. Keep it up, Emily! :)

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